Things are gonna get a little different on the blog today. Time to get SERIOUUUUUUSSS! Well, except for that totally non-serious title above some flowers. Today I'm going to talk about something that ALL of us experience. Not just food bloggers, but everyone. Every single person. Self-doubt. What an A-HOLE! Yep, self doubt is a total a-hole.
I've been experiencing a lot of self doubt lately. I have always been incredibly confident in my chosen career, but since I began food blogging, the doubt has started to creep in. Doubt about photos, recipes, writing, posting consistency, SEO, coding, social media friendliness, pretty much all of it! But the biggest doubt of all is..... am I going to fail?
Back when I was growing as an accountant, I always knew the RIGHT answer. The RIGHT way to do my job. I felt confident in my abilities and confident that the upward path that I was on was where I should be headed, because that's where accountants go, up. I lived my life working for someone else, and working hard to continue working even harder for others. Well, I crashed and burned. Right around halfway through getting my degree, as well as working full time as an Assistant Controller, I realized that I was living to work rather than working to live, and that I wasn't happy. At all.
I tried scaling back, and found a less stressful bookkeeping job, and left school to focus on making myself happy. I started a blog to motivate me to be creative. This worked for a while, until I realized that to have the life I wanted, to have the dream, I needed to just leap. Just jump. Just take off like a bat out of hell and see where it would take me. It took me to this blog, and made this amazing space of creativity and self reliance my full time job and chosen career path.
So, I suppose this is where the self doubt comes into the picture. Am I doing the right thing? Will I succeed? Will I let myself down? Will I let my husband down? Will I let my family and friends down? What if this doesn't work out? Why don't my pictures look like theirs? Why didn't that post hit the views I was expecting? OH GOD, WHAT AM I DOING?!
Yep........... those thoughts. Those little A-hole thoughts that have been creeping around in my head for the last 8 months telling me I don't deserve this. Some days they take over, some days they don't, but they are always there. Always in the back of my head, and as a full time food blogger, I am not sure they will ever leave. We all experience these don't we? Mothers? Teachers? Artists? Lovers? Anyone taking a chance at anything?
Why do we feel this way? FEAR. Fear of failing. Fear of rejection. Fear of judgment. Fear of jumping off the cliff and not landing on our feet.
One of the most anxious moments I experience nowadays, is when someone asks what I do for a living. I instantly feel a wave so many different emotions. Pride is a big one. Pride for being able to say that yes, I have my dream job, a totally awesome dream job. But also, there is that fear of judgment. That fear that they are wondering why I don't have a conventional career. The fear that they are concerned that I'm not going to succeed. That concern is real. Very real. It is a daily, and perfectly natural, reaction to the path that I've chosen to take. That concern though, it's a cancer to confidence. It makes "proving them wrong" part of life, and career. When really, the only person I need to prove my integrity to, is myself.
So, what can we do to overcome these little jerks? These little A-hole thoughts? The answer is........ I don't think we can. I think they will always be there. And that's okay. It's okay to feel doubt because without it we would fail to grow, fail to learn, fail to live our lives to the fullest. The real question here should be, how do we push through the self doubt? How do we tell ourselves that we DO DESERVE THIS?
I'd love to hear your thoughts. Your experiences, your feelings, your DOUBTS! Tag em with #doubtisanahole!